This is tear jerker.
No more tears from this end...just frustration, anguish and disappointments. Behind it all there is a light, there is something greater at the other side...but in the valley its a bit dark. Today is one of those days....or weeks, months maybe.
I don't want to dress up no more...whats the point comes to mind. No amount of makeup or clothes that I own is going to cover up the fact that I HATE EVERYTHING I OWN. No amount of compliments will make me feel like I look appropriate because I don't feel appropriate. No cliches or quotes will suffice today, this week or this month.
The truth is I don't like the way I look. I don't like the way clothes feel on me. I feel like a stranger in this house. I wasn't always this way....I can remember when....I still have the clothes...the pictures...the memories. When curves lived here and I drew all the attention but more than that...I felt good. It really didn't matter what I wore, tee shirt, slacks, sweats....I was comfortable in it all. Not today, this week or this month.
Yeah I know it will get better and I look forward to that...but the truth is I don't feel that way today, this week or this month.
Is this low self esteem? Not sure. I look in the mirror....I see my face everyday...Im rather fond of it...always have been. Face of Gloria, bone structure of Wallace...chocolate skin with no flaws...Im in favor of it. Hair girls dream of....personality most imitate...intelligence unprecedented. The ability to talk to crackheads and heads of state...baffle most people. I enjoy me. Leslie Dallas is a force to be reckoned with...
But there's another part of me that I just cant fix...that part of life that didn't come easy like everything else. The part that I start and stop and start and stop...get close...life changes...and my focus does too...
Starting again...seems abysmal. Yet I take the challenge on today, this week and this month. I believe I can do it today, this week, this month and this year. There are words that do help....
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11There is always an answer, there is always a reassurance. Today, tomorrow, this week and forever. Sometimes its healthy to just say that you aint happy....how can you confront why you do things...if you are not honest about they way you feel today. When you are not happy on the inside it will show everywhere else...you wont realize it at first but you will look around and see you arent taking care of yourself the way you used to.
I am learning to celebrate every little thing along the way...to regain what has been stolen because of my own choices. Its promised to me...seven fold. Its may not come today, this week or this month. But I will rejoice at each fraction of it till I get to the end...
Why did I write this...because I wanted to. I needed to.
Your reaction...who knows? My healing has begun....
Till Next Time,
Feeling better today, this week and this month :)
2 comments:
This is AWESOME. Encouraged and motivated me. Thank you for your transparency!
:)
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