You don't hear about it much these days...definitely not among African Americans but its real....it exists...it kills. Eating disorders. There are so many different kinds, so many different symptoms and if affects so many different people. My battle was bulimia I didn't even know I had it until I researched it for myself....I thought bulimics just threw up, which I never have done. I hate vomiting so that never crossed my mind. It started in college...very innocently. I gained weight my freshman and sophomore years eating a great diet full of carbs and more carbs. I ended up transferring schools and moving back close to home. I hadn't used the bathroom (#2) in WEEKS if not months, so I decided to take some herbal laxatives that I found in my parents house. It worked, it was the first time I ever took laxatives, IT FELT SO GOOD! Rightfully so, I needed them because I was truly not functioning properly. At that time, my lifestyle was changing as well....I was commuting to school instead of being on campus, that change of walking 2-3 miles a day caused me to lose weight. I was unaware of the change until people started noticing. I liked the attention and I liked the change too. I began to really watch what I ate and restricted my diet a little too much. On days where I ate too much, I would just take laxatives and I felt that would do the trick. For the time, it did. Going to the bathroom became an obsession for me...it was a RELEASE physically and emotionally. I associated weight loss with going to the bathroom and that is still something I struggle with. Before that year was out I was about 80 pounds down and happy! No one knew I was abusing laxatives...not even me. I thought it was reasonable to do and it was working. People started commenting that I lost too much weight and I needed to eat, but I was scared to and if I did, I had my magic pills. It was an obsession, laxatives, enemas and colon cleansers. The cramping was a sense of relief because I knew they were working. I was taking them at least 3x a week. My mom caught me one day and brought it to my attention that what I was doing was very harmful, but I was still in denial. I said I would stop and for a time I did. Eventually I continued.
Years later, and a bout with birth control pills....I gained the weight back that I lost plus about 30 extra. Yep, I know that's a lot. I kicked up my habit even more...but this time it didn't work...and I couldn't even use the bathroom regularly without assistance of some sort of laxative. 3x a week went to every night. I finally came to grips with the fact that I had a problem. I began to change my life and with God's help, I've been delivered but deliverance takes daily renewal. I asked Holy Spirit for help to overcome but the urges come more often than not. Some days are harder than others but I make it. Its been a while since I've taken laxatives but it hasn't been that long since I thought about them. I look at them in my cabinet everyday and its tempting. I don't talk about this to anyone because either:
- They wont believe me
- Or they'd make a joke out of it
Its not a joke. Its not a game. Its a battle but through Christ all things are possible. I have my confession. I received my healing and I walk in it daily. With exercise, and a diet change I will finish this weight loss journey successfully. With prayer and faith my body will recover completely from the damage I've inflicted on it. I believe it and I see the manifestation each day. I also believe that there is help for all of those who are suffering from eating disorders. First thing is to develop a self image based on what God says and not what society feeds you. I love myself, I don't want to hurt me anymore, I think I'm beautiful and my weight doesn't define that. When you love yourself with God's kind of love, you will begin to see yourself differently. You can do this...so can I. Deliverance, healing and freedom is available to you!
Till Next Time
Healing and Fighting Everyday :)
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| Flushing it down the drain.... |
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